Fairness…and what it means to me. 

Fair. Maybe it’s defined as “without cheating” or “trying to achieve unjust advantage”. For me this week? It’s meant more. It simply meant loving myself enough and loving God enough to know and understand what is best for me. It meant not cheating MYSELF. Most importantly, not cheating God. The Word teaches us if we obey God’s command, then we reap the amazing blessings He has in store for us. Fair right? Well, when does it become “fair” when it means breaking your own heart? This week, I did a lot of thinking, a lot of pondering about some of the people God wants me to let go in my life. I found myself questioning…”Why?” I found myself saying “This is not how it’s supposed to happen”. I found myself heart broken. This week was literally filled with not one but SOME of them days (Alright na Monica). I didn’t understand why I couldn’t keep entertaining certain people like I used to, why my relationships couldn’t be the same, why it’s time to let someone move on, or why God wants be to be…alone. That’s just it though. He doesn’t want us to be alone and we are never lonely. He is ALWAYS, ALWAYS with us.

So, there I was Thursday…in a heap of anxiety again, questioning myself. The devil started using my mind as his dumpster again. But I was prepared this time. This time (even though it took me the whole day) I didn’t listen, I had the Word to throw back at him, I had peace. This time…I was fair with myself. I trust God…and despite whatever he tells me to do, it has to play into His purpose for me. Sure, sometimes I do feel lonely, sometimes I feel like I’m growing apart from the people I used to think I couldn’t live without, and a lot of the time…I’m just walking…not knowing where God is taking me. I guess that’s why He says we walk by faith and not by sight. I suppose that’s how I ended up here in Saint Louis this summer. 

The weekend came and I must say…I realized fairness…is about YOU. Drake was right…”You only live once”. No matter who or what your source of spiritual/religious power is, you have to do what’s best for you. If it means giving up the one person that it just so turns out you were NOT meant to be with, do it. If it means crawling back into your shell and being alone, do it. If it means going to a new place far away from home, and doing things you’d never imagine, do it. If it means growing up…DO IT. I’m doing all four…and there are good days and bad days. But…it’s fair. And it’s fair for ME. I told someone very close to me last week…”Im evolving. I can’t put a time on it and I don’t know what’s in store for the future. But I’m going to be the best for God first…second, I’m going to be the best for ME”. So often, my worries, fears, and anxieties come from trying to “figure it all out”. It’s time to stop. It’s time…to do me this time around. 

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